


heaven help you catch me if i fall

by joshriku



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26499547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshriku/pseuds/joshriku
Summary: Ah, yes. The mortifying ordeal of loving and being loved in return.
Relationships: Kiryu "Joshua" Yoshiya/Riku (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	heaven help you catch me if i fall

You cannot measure love.

It’s as annoying as it is comforting. Joshua has a fond spot for undeniable facts, for things he can count and keep track of. And yet, wouldn’t love lose its charm if it could be measured? Wouldn’t love lose its weight if it could be held to a certain number, to a certain percentage?

He’s not sure. The amount of different types of love is already an overwhelming fact in itself—the measuring of it is more terrifying than he’d like to admit. It’s not like he _wants_ to entertain these thoughts, it’s just… inevitable, given the situation he’s in. 

It’s _odd._ It’s odd to sit across Riku at a diner with their friends, meet his eyes, and briefly share a smile that means something only to them. 

Neku pokes his arm, using the distraction of Riku trying to keep up with Shiki and Beat at the same time, and leans in. “Too lost in thought?”

Joshua blinks. He didn’t realize he zoned out on Riku again. “I’m fine.”

“Sure,” Neku sneers. “Too in love, maybe.”

“I assure you, I’m fine,” he says again. What did _too_ in love even mean? When does it become too much? These are probably _not_ the thoughts to entertain in the middle of a friendly outing. “Can’t I just stare at my boyfriend?”

“Huh?” Riku perks up at that, briefly turning away from his friends. “What happened?”

“You turned around so quickly from that,” Neku laughs. “It’s almost cute.”

Joshua can’t help but laugh too. “Nothing happened. I was only admiring the beautiful view.”

“Ah—oh,” once Riku catches on, he gets embarrassed. His smile is sheepish and it’s cute. Joshua’s chest is invaded with fondness. “Uh… anyway…”

He turns to quickly continue his chat, leaving Joshua and Neku to laugh again. 

The cuteness of the situation is enough to distract him from his other thoughts, and even Neku seems to drop his line of questioning. Instead, he’s showing Joshua a video of a dog, which is far better than being interrogated about how he felt.

It’s still unsettling. Maybe it’s unsettling because of how normal it feels? Nothing is out of the ordinary and nothing seems like it’s about to go wrong. It makes his skin crawl, the way everything constantly appears to be ruined by something. Perhaps he’s overthinking, perhaps it’s a sixth sense—perhaps it’s his literal clairvoyance. The last one isn’t possible, at least not in this form. Perhaps he really is just anxious.

Ridiculous.

Once more, he’s shaken out of it by the sound of Shiki asking for a group picture. Already? They leave that for the end, usually. Or is it already late? 

A glance at the clock tells him it _is_ curfew for most of his friends. Oh, to live bound by your parents’ rules—the funniest concept. 

“Do I _have_ to show up in the pic?”

“Joshua,” Shiki glares at him. “Group pic. _Group._ That means all of us. Or do you want me to steal your spot next to Riku?”

 _“Nope,_ I’m on my way. Group pic it is.”

Shiki smiles at him, but it’s overshadowed by Riku _also_ smiling. Joshua hurries to sit down next to him, Neku sitting on the other side. Rhyme is small, so she ends up meddling between Neku and Riku, and Beat and Shiki hug them all from behind. Even their waiter is smiling while she takes the pic. 

It’s a nice feeling. He doesn’t know what to do with it. 

Shiki posts it on her account, everyone simultaneously getting the notification, and when Joshua sees himself on the post it’s _still_ a nice feeling. The sudden awareness doesn’t seem to be wearing off, even after everyone goes their separate ways and it’s him and Riku walking back. 

Hand in hand, as usual, like there was no other way to walk. Hand in hand with the moon shining gently on them. Hand in hand. God, when did this also become a natural thing? Why is love so… _weird?_

Riku’s smiling down at his phone. “You know, I realized we don’t have many pictures together.”

“…Now that you mention it, no, we don’t,” Joshua says. “Why? Do you want some?”

“Yes!” Slowing down to a stop, Riku brings him close. He puts his arm around Joshua’s shoulder and aims his phone high. “I’m taking it since I’m taller.”

“You didn’t have to say that!” Joshua exclaims, frowning, and both of them burst out laughing. 

The photo is a little blurry, and because it’s night the lightning is a bit off, but even Joshua can recognize how happy he looks. How is this getting out of hand? How is he showing _so_ much? 

“This is nice. I only noticed this today—I should have my camera roll full of you!”

“You _should,”_ he jokes back, but the realization that he should fill his phone with photos of Riku is looming over him. “After all, I am quite the sight to behold.”

Riku laughs again, leaning down and pecking his cheek. “I love you.”

Joshua never knows what to say back. There are so many emotions with different meanings and at different heights, one simple answer wouldn’t convey what he wants to say. 

There _is_ a squeeze of his hand back, like that would say anything. Like it would convey any of Joshua’s emotions. Riku—always so _kind_ and _patient_ —interlocks their fingers together and they keep walking. 

  
  


“Hey, Riku,” Joshua begins later, head resting on his lap. A movie plays in the background but he’s not sure he’s paying that much attention. “How do you measure love?”

“All of a sudden?” Riku looks down. He regrets asking, if only because Riku stopped playing with his hair. “Why the abrupt philosophical question?”

“Well, you know, we are watching a romcom.”

“We’re watching _Sonic.”_

“I’m not backing out of my statement.”

Softly, Riku starts laughing. Joshua’s smile forms again. “I don’t know, really.”

“Oh?” Joshua peeks up at him, curious. “Wow… color me surprised. I was under the impression you had it all figured it out.”

“Wrong. Very wrong,” Riku goes back to play with his hair, finally. “I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. I try hard to understand my feelings.”

“Then how do you know you love me?” Joshua asks. That could sound insensitive, but it’s still a valid question.

“Because I don’t have to _try_ with you,” Riku says. “Loving you is easy.”

Baffled, Joshua stares at him. How is he so sure? What does Riku see in Joshua that he doesn’t? 

“What a poet,” Joshua says. Racking his head for an answer is terrible. He doesn’t know what to say. There aren’t any adequate words. The dictionary can’t help him. 

Easy. Joshua, easy to love. 

Who would have thought? 

“You know, people love lying,” Joshua starts. Maybe not the best opening line. He sits up, because he has a plan to carry out and he _will._ “I think that might be everyone’s default settings. We want to be accepted. We say the things we expect others will like. We shape ourselves into versions that every person we meet might find pleasant.”

“I—”

“But I believe _you,”_ Joshua finishes. 

A grin slowly spreads across Riku’s face. Joshua’s plan is thrown out of the window—he had wanted to make a pause and then say something _nice_ about his own feelings, but Riku grabs him and kisses him, and, well. That’s better than any ridiculous thing he had to say. 

“Wait,” Joshua says, because… well. He still _had_ to say it. It’s unfair if it only goes one way—if it always seems like Riku’s feelings are one-sided. They’re not. But it would be _good_ to say it, too. “I...”

“Me too,” Joshua says eloquently. 

Riku catches on, though. Of course he does. “I know.”

“But how?”

“I just do,” he shrugs. “You have many questions today.”

Going back to his safe place on Riku’s lap, he sighs. “Curiosity is only human,” he jokes, but he guesses Riku doesn’t really know it’s a joke. “…Thanks.”

“For what?”

“You know,” he sighs, but then adds: “For entertaining my silly queries in the middle of Sonic.”

“You’re welcome. You can ask anytime. I’ll always have an answer.”

Joshua laughs, hoping to not get any more questions soon. 

* * *

Funnily enough, all he gets is questions. It appears that the longer he’s aware of his feelings, the more questions decide to pop up. 

It’s by accident—Riku asks him to hold his phone when they’re buying dinner. It’s only to take out his wallet, but it just so happens that his phone lights up with a notification, and Joshua focuses on the lockscreen. 

It’s him. 

It’s so off-putting—he doesn’t even _remember_ Riku taking a photo of him, ever. The angle is a bit funny, like he tried really hard to not get caught, and he remembers what he was doing in that photo: he was just reading a new novel. When did he…? Most importantly, how come Joshua didn’t notice him? 

Or, well, the real most important question is: _why is he the lockscreen?_

He doesn’t notice he’s still staring at it until Riku gets him out of his thoughts again. “Josh? Everything okay?”

“Yes,” But he also knows honesty is important in relationships, so he shakes his head. “It appears your lockscreen caught me off guard.”

“Oh. _Ohhhhhh,”_ Riku looks embarrassed holding his tray of food now. “I have a perfect explanation.”

“I’ll be sure to hear all about it at our table.”

At their table, Riku’s explanation is pretty simple. 

“I liked that pic of you?” He grins, still a little shy. “You looked cute.”

Joshua’s dying, but it’s fine. “I must congratulate you on your photography skills. I didn’t realize you took it!”

“You’re not bothered?”

“No.” Well… “Actually, it’s surprising. I don’t see the point of me being your wallpaper.”

Riku rolls his eyes. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“No.”

That makes him change his demeanor. Riku blinks, slowly, and his smile turns quickly into one Joshua has come to know as fond. “Guess you really don’t know. It’s so I can see you whenever I miss you.”

Oh, _what?_

_What?_

“I see.”

Riku snorts. “Are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I feel splendid,” Joshua says. It’s not a lie, it’s just—he’s combusting, that’s it. “I may feel… stupid.”

“Why?”

“If it ever happens that I… miss you… I never considered looking at a picture of you,” Joshua admits. He’s terrible. “It seems like an easy solution.”

“… So?” Riku frowns. “Why does that make you stupid?”

“Well, it comes off as if I don’t… care the same amount,” Joshua purses his lips. His food looks unappetizing now. 

“Now you’re being stupid.”

“Hey.”

“No, seriously. You can’t expect everyone to express themselves in the same way, always,” He hates it when Riku makes a good point. Especially when he has no rebuttal for it. “I could easily list off fifty things you do when you miss me.”

“Oh? Consider me intrigued. Go on.”

“One, the odd link to a video without context at four in the morning. Two, every time you randomly text me ‘good morning’ when it’s not morning and I haven’t replied to texts yet. Three, the voice notes that say _‘Rikuuuuuuuuuuuu’_ and nothing else. Four—”

“I _get it,”_ Joshua feels like hiding under the table and not coming back out ever again. “So maybe I do miss you.”

“Of course. I knew that,” Riku laughs. “You’ve been worrying about this a lot. Are you okay?”

“I think I’m becoming aware,” Joshua starts saying, then realizes he has no proper way of putting it. “Of my feelings for you, I mean. For some reason, as of now, they are incredibly insistent. Poking at my brain all the time. Wondering if I am showing enough—and what _is_ enough? What _is_ too much? It’s all very confusing. All I know is that I do have feelings for you.”

“That’s a good place to start as any,” Riku smiles. He puts his hand out and Joshua holds it, no hesitation. “If it’s any consolation, I think you’re doing fine.”

“Mm? Why?” Joshua tries to smile. “After you being the ideal boyfriend, I think I have a lot to live up to.”

Riku kisses his hand and smiles. “You’re fine. There’s nothing to live up to.”

Clearly not being able to win this argument, Joshua squeezes Riku’s hand again, and nods. “There’s a photobooth nearby,” he says instead. “I want more photos of us.”

“Sure. Let’s go after this.”

When Riku goes back to his world, Joshua goes back to his normal routine of annoying him when he misses him. 

Except now he has the photobooth’s strips looking at him, reminding him of how fun it is to be around Riku. 

“This doesn’t make me miss you any less, silly,” he says, mostly to Riku—but since he is not there, it’s only for himself. 

At least there’s a strange feeling enveloping him: a certainty that wherever he is, Riku must be staring at his pictures, too. 

* * *

“Hey! What a coincidence!” Xion waves at him happily. “I was about to forward mail to you!”

“Mail?” Riku tilts his head, confused. “Who sent me mail?”

“I didn’t check, sorry. I wanted to keep your privacy!” Xion hurries to the mail and comes back with a little package. “Here, for you.”

When he opens it, a bunch of horrible decorated cards stare back at him. There’s a _Happy Birthday_ one crossed with a red pen, and instead that says **love youuuu,** and suddenly it’s clear who the sender is. Riku breaks into a grin before he can help it. 

He opens his Happy Birthday card to find the rest of the greeting crossed out. There is writing with the same red pen, saying: **you’re a great boyfriend and i miss you.**

The other greeting cards follow the same aesthetic—Riku sees a few “congrats on your promotion” being crossed out and “happy Mother’s day” being replaced with **happy boyfriend day.** There are _definitely_ around fifty of them. Is this what measuring love meant to him? Riku can’t say he doesn’t approve of this. 

“What’s so funny?” Xion asks, after Riku goes through them breaking into giggles every now and then.

“Oh, nothing. My boyfriend is very silly,” Riku puts the cards back, chuckling. “Thank you, Xion.”

“You’re welcome. Your boyfriend seems… dedicated to his craft,” she laughs, catching on the fact every single thing Riku is holding is a card. 

“Oh, yeah. I know. He cares,” Riku smiles. “Glad to see he knows he does. Do you want to help me out and buy more cards?”

Xion claps excitedly. “Totally!”

Well, there goes the rest of his money. For a good cause. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this is the first time i havent stressed over a title bc i had the song ready. 👏👏👏


End file.
